Questioning connection- relational trauma

Do you ever find yourself walking away from a conversation questioning everything you said and did, wondering if you offended someone or said the wrong thing?

If so, SAME GIRL (or dude) SAME.

A few years ago (2017-2020) I had gone through a rough few years of hurt. I was at a breaking point of refusing to allow any negativity into my life anymore. I put my foot down at literally anything and everything that caused harm to my heart. I stopped apologizing for silly things like accidentally being in the way when holding a door open. I also stopped talking negatively about myself (calling myself stupid or annoying). And there will come a day when we will talk about how important that topic is alone. But for now I am just giving you some context. Needless to say, this version of Miranda didn’t take crap from ANYONE. I set my boundaries and held them like steel forces. Unbreakable walls.

This was mostly due to what I love to call relationship trauma *insert twinkling star emojis here*. The thing about relationship trauma is its not just boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships. Although that was a whole other ball game of messes all its own, here I am speaking strictly about friendship/ acquaintance trauma. The kind where people made so many untrue accusations about my heart and motives to the point that they manipulated me into believing I was something I most definitely was not. I quickly found that my coping mechanism was to just cut them off. Not the simple kind though. It was a CHOP. Like post-break-up-hair type of chop. I was ready to rid anything that hurt me. So I did.

Admittedly, looking back, I had pure intentions, motivated by some selfish desires. I was NOT a perfect friend or acquaintance to others. I made PLENTY of mistakes. I had some personal growing (and definitely a lot of spiritual growing) up to do. Knowing what I do now, I can say with full confidence that there is humility in being able to admit that I absolutely do not have it all figured out, nor do I have every perfect answer or solution. I am taking it one day at a time and I do often question my choice of words and if the people I interact with actually like me or if they are just being fake. Quite honestly, I was groomed for years by people who were my “friends” and even family to believe that I was unwanted, unlikeable and annoying to have around.

The problem is, even now, years after those incidents took place, I still walk away from almost 100% of my conversations questioning something I said. I know that I have pure intentions in my words and from my heart. However, there’s this little devil on my shoulder who loves to make me question those intentions.

So how do I handle this now?

Truthfully, my first instinct is to cut people and relationships off out of insecurity. I naturally assume they hate me and decide for them that a relationship with me is not worth their time. I know that the best answer is prayer. But honestly, I am a twenty-five, nearly twenty-six year old woman, and I actively struggle with this. I have actually never shared these thoughts with anyone other than my husband who has kindly been my dumping ground for some of these feelings. I don’t even consistently take these feelings to God the way I know I should.

But if you took the time to browse my website, you’ll see that on my “about” page, I shared that I want this to be a safe community where we can learn and walk through these things together. So expect full vulnerability. There’s no room for “thats so cringe” here.

Also friends, don’t get it twisted. I’m not so ignorant as to believe everyone wants a relationship with me or to be my best friend. There are people in my life who have made it clear that I am not their cup of tea, and I honestly don’t expect to be. Although I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t an active struggle for me and my heart.

I honestly believe it really does come down to the heart posture. What is my heart’s intention and does it reflect Jesus?

I’d say most days, yes. Again, not a sinless saint over here. There are most definitely days where I want to get angry and speak a little more of my mind than to hold my tongue and consider what type of words will flow from it. Overall though, my heart is to reflect Jesus the best I can. I yearn to be able to walk away from conversations feeling filled and joyful instead of sad and insecure. Especially because I want to share Jesus with everyone I meet.

If you struggle with this too, one thing I’d challenge us to work on together is every time you walk away from a situation or conversation feeling down and out of sorts, say a little prayer to God. Maybe something like this:

“Dear Lord,

Thank you for the opportunity to share your love. I pray that you’d give my heart peace over this conversation. Thank you for the time you gave me today to have this conversation. I pray that your will would be done in this relationship and you would use me for your glory.“

I love you friends! Thanks so much for reading ❤