There are so many things I really want to share here. There’s a lot I want to say and explain. However, every time I sit and start typing out what I want to say, I can feel the Lord pulling me back in and keeping me in check. It’s really easy to want to share your side of the story when you haven’t been given a fair opportunity. It’s not wrong to want to share the truth. But in doing so, I’m indirectly telling God that I can do His job better than He can. So instead of sharing the truth of our decisions and circumstances, I am instead going to do what I know is better and point to Jesus.
In order to share how I have come to the point of surrender, we have to go back in time a little. So let’s rewind just a bit. It’s no secret that our family of three has been through a lot these last 8 months. Mostly Owen and I, but it would be ignorant to assume it has not affected Everleigh too. She has been the most innocent and precious little girl in all of this. The least deserving of the things we have experienced. Anyway, I have spent a lot of time grieving. A lot of time crying, questioning God, trying to understand and yet still remaining obedient in honoring both the Lord and my husband. What you all haven’t seen is the countless times I have broken down both publicly and privately. Sometimes at work or in church or driving down the freeway with my vision so blurred from tears its a miracle I made it home. There have been days I couldn’t pick myself up off the floor of our bathroom shower. I couldn’t pull myself out of bed to even brush my hair or teeth. I went days without eating. I had my phone blowing up with nasty manipulative texts for weeks on end. It was like destroying me was the only goal and they were hell-bent on accomplishing it. Through holidays and Everleigh’s first birthday I survived. Barely. As absolutely terrible as it sounds, I had no will to live. I couldn’t handle anymore pain or blame. I began to get angry with God. My husband told me that he really believed I needed to seek a counselor. He could see me breaking over and over and it wasn’t an easy watch. People I worked with noticed. My in-laws noticed. It wasn’t a secret that I was facing a very heavy battle with depression. I was isolated and alone. Very very alone.
I was attending church regularly. Still listening and taking notes even though it felt like a slap in the face. Still being obedient even though it felt pointless. I still did my best to show up as a mom and wife, though I felt like a failure. I wouldn’t say that therapy really saved me. Jesus saved me. Over and over and over. He continues to. However, creating an outlet and a safe space to release those questions, feelings and emotions helped tremendously. I haven’t felt the need to share as much with those around me and I feel like less of a burden by having someone intentional to share with.
But here’s the important part… I have spent months trying to be intentionally obedient to the Lord. I have looked crazy. I have been made the scapegoat. Been ostracized. I have been pushed off, ignored and disregarded by many people who all claim to love me. I have struggled with that loneliness a lot. I still do now. Hoping that maybe they’ll care enough to reach out and just offer some love or an open space to be heard or something. The thing is, yes I want that. Yes, I want my wedding dress that my mother refuses to give back. I want justice. I want the truth to be revealed. I want accountability. All of those desires are completely valid. Not a single one is wrong to pray for or want. However, the Lord has repeatedly demanded I surrender those desires to Him. I have tried and failed. And one by one, I have slowly handed each one over. He has all but slapped me in the face with the realization that my full cooperation of surrender is required in order to be able to heal my heart of all of these deep deep wounds.
Repeatedly, wether it be a tiktok video, a song, a church service (or all of them), or a devotional, God has shaken me, begging me to surrender and just trust Him. And the more I have thought about it, the more I understand as I peel back my layers that I have always struggled with letting go of control because I was never given the opportunity of having control most of my life. However, if I’m going to give up control to anyone, it’s going to be the Lord.
As time has gone on, and I’ve started to learn things in therapy the last 5 weeks, I have gained so much perspective. My heart has really been simultaneously broken and healed. Broken at all of the traumas I endured that I had no idea were affecting me. But healed knowing I can do something about it. I can learn and am learning how to process my emotions.
I have had so many realizations about who I want to be. As of late the biggest and I think one of the most impactful is what kind of mother I am. I will write another blog about this topic, but it has really shifted my perspective on what example I want to set for my daughter (and our future children). Motherhood is my ministry and it is one of the most important roles I will ever have the honor of holding in my lifetime.
Another realization I have come to, is the amount of clarity I feel. I feel like I can finally breathe. I went months feeling like I was drowning over and over and over again. I couldn’t handle it. And I felt like God was SO far away. Like He had abandoned me. But now that I have clarity, I feel so much closer to Him. I feel like taking a step back and really gaining perspective has allowed me to find joy in new things. It has healed a part of my heart.
And my latest realization, I was actually discussing with a friend at work, is that I have been so focused on my own stuff. And honestly rightfully so. I have been through A LOT. However, I never want my trauma to make me selfish and keep me from serving others. I know so many people who are experiencing REALLY hard things right now. Sometimes when we are too close and focused on our own picture, we forget everyone else is human and experiencing things too. Having the clarity I do now, I feel much more present in my friendships and relationships. I have made a goal to serve people better this month. Wether that be a listening ear, a praying friend, buying them a coffee, offering to babysit, or just being available during their hard moments, I want to set the example of selflessness to my daughter. I want to show her, we can go though really hard things and not let it stop us from loving others well.
If you made it this far, thank you for being here and reading this to its completion. If you feel the Lord commanding you to surrender, I highly recommend answering the call. You never know how He will heal you and use you.
The Grace-filled Home 