Refinement

Yesterday morning I got up a little earlier than my daughter to prep her breakfast which usually consists of strawberries, mini pancakes, and eggs. I had just brought home a huge new container of strawberries and still needed to wash them. I had seen a video the day before about letting them soak in baking soda to get them extra clean instead of just rinsing them. So I decided to try it. I googled the measurements and created my mixture.

The strawberries are good. Nothing really wrong with them. However, they need a good bit of washing and freshening up. The process is one that requires patience. (Something that is virtually impossible to explain to a hungry one year old). At first glance in the store, the strawberries didn’t look that bad. They looked “edible enough”, hence why I chose that particular carton over the others that surrounded it. However, when I looked closer once I got home, I noticed they actually really needed some good cleaning. A bit of refinement if you will. It made me think of how I’ve been feeling.

Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time questioning God. If He led me to this exact place I am, why does it feel like punishment? Why does it seem like He blesses others for their blatant sin and yet punishes me for my obedience? Why do I seem to be the only one suffering when I’m just trying to make the right choices and survive?

I know you are probably thinking about how selfish I sound. Of course other people have problems and their own struggles. Some bigger than mine. Some smaller. The difference is, they either don’t share them, because there is an image to maintain, or they have struggles I simply cannot see and understand because I do not live their life and walk in their shoes. They may struggle with something that I am seemingly blessed with and ask the same questions I am.

I think where God gives discernment, He follows with refinement. Why would He allow me to have discernment in very specific circumstances and not allow it to change me and reshape me? To me, it feels like punishment, because it hurts. Let me be the first to tell you that having your entire world crash down SUCKS. Like truly sucks. It’s just awful. My body has been experiencing a series of trauma responses. All of which leave me in tears at any given moment. I can feel the pruning happening. I almost feel like I have physical layers being peeled back and ripped away one at a time. I feel emotionally naked. Vulnerable. Like an easy target to accuse of being “too sensitive” or “emotionally unstable”. As if it’s my fault. My brain can’t control it. I can’t control it.

Maybe God is trying to teach me about control for the hundreth time (this month). Apparently I haven’t learned from the other 7 million times that He has tried to teach me to rely on Him instead of my own strength. But if I’m being honest, it feels like God left me to rot in a dark cave all alone. In the deepest pit of my pain, I am hurting and lonely. I can’t fathom the future or the plans that God has. I can’t even think about anything outside of what is right in front of me. I have to be very careful to take everything day by day.

Refinement is tricky. It’s good. But it doesn’t feel good. Who wants to be broken down to bare bones only to have to build from the ground up? I know I don’t. Yet here I am. I am trying to learn to accept God’s ordainment of this refining process. I am trying to be open-minded and not shut Him out too. Refinement feels lonely. It can cause you to self-isolate. For me it does. I have to actively force myself to look and act differently in hopes of building new habits.

Maybe the best way to look at it is as a fresh start.

Just like the strawberries, they weren’t bad. However, because of all the circumstances they had been through, they needed a bit of time to soak and have a fresh start. To be cleansed of all the nastiness that added up over time. I feel like I am deep in the valley of the refinement process. But I will still choose to show up. Even when I don’t feel like it. I will still go to church. I will still worship. I will still pray and attempt to grow forward. And once again, through refinement, and the grace of Jesus, I will be made new.