The time is 11:40 pm. I am laying in bed next to my husband who is fast asleep. I myself am in and out of sleep when I feel this pain hit my heart like a semi going at full speed. The tears fall and the fears rise. I can’t sleep. So I go downstairs to cry alone, as not to wake or bother anyone else with my weakness. It’s lonely. Then I hear a whimper over the baby monitor. My little girl is awake and hungry. She refuses to go back to bed with just her bottle of milk. It seems we have something in common, we both need the comfort of each other. The time is currently 12:20am. She is drinking her milk as I cradle her in my arms. Just the two of us here, holding tight to each other right now.
Grief is not linear. It does not “heal with time“. Biggest lie I’ve ever heard.
*For further context to what I am about to say, I have recently had to go no contact with my own parents and set very strong boundaries.*
I often look at my precious little girl and think “I would do anything to protect you. I will do anything to keep you from feeling this pain. I would never do this to you.” I think in becoming a parent there is an inevitable moment in which you will take away the good and the bad in which you grew up with and make changes to both. You will never be the perfect parent you strive to be, but you can progress to be a better one always. More affectionate, more protective, more kind, more aware… Major emphasis on that last one.
I look at my girl and know that I will do everything in my power to protect her from this exact pain. The pain of having realizations. The pain of having to take a step back and gain new perspective unexpectedly. The heartbreak of looking at something you’ve seen and experienced your entire life and realizing how unhealthy, how wrong and how unsafe it was. It’s not just hard when the epiphany hits, it feels like your entire world is crashing down. Mine was a result of obedience. A result of prayerful obedience at that. A result of honoring my husband and my marriage.. of honoring the covenant we made and the vows we spoke. The promise we made to protect our babies in ways were we not so fortunate to experience.
Trauma changes you. Especially trauma that strips your innocence. And when you find someone who knows that pain, you bond. That was true of my husband and I. We bonded over our hurts, our unfortunate traumas. It has created a force in us that has strengthened our marriage and our commitment to the protection of our family. And unless you have experienced it, you will not understand why it is so severe. When you experience the things we have, you live with it forever. We both assumed we were fine and healed from it “with time“. As a teen, I actually even prided myself on the fact that I never needed counseling or therapy to fix me and make me whole again. I was good. I didn’t need all that, because I was strong enough on my own. I forgave my abuser so that was the end of it… right? The pain goes away? Wrong. The truth is, you never know when the trauma is going to come back. It’s not something that happens and then just disappears. It’s like an emotional injury. It stays and even if it feels healed, it still might hurt or pop back up from time to time in different circumstances and life situations. This is one of those times. As parents, we don’t just feel a duty, but know it is a command to take anything even remotely similar or that has the potential to relate to our experiences with the utmost importance to protect our daughter. Because the truth is, you never know how deep it really goes. I refuse to be faulted and shamed for making the decision that best protects my family.
This entire experience has actually opened my eyes to more than just the trauma of sexual abuse. It has opened my eyes to a whole new perspective on unhealthy habits I have learned and embarrassingly exhibited. I thought being loud and yelling when you fight meant you were more passionate. Subconsciously, I have always been taught that’s how you handle things. You get louder and make yourself bigger, and it will get the point across. It will prove that you are right, and it will end in resolution. I’ve been taught your parents are always right and you are always wrong because they are the adults/ parents. As an adult now, take it from me, that is not true.
Something extremely important that I have learned recently, is that two things can be true at once. You can have grace and love and compassion, and you can also set boundaries and not be a doormat to walk all over. You can honor your parents or your spouse and still not allow disrespect in return. You can have integrity and tell the truth and exhibit obedience, and it will likely anger people who are exposed in the process. I’ve experienced that last one more times than I can count.
I haven’t come here to shame anyone. I think there is power in being honest about your hurts, and yet still allowing God to serve the justice I seek. I do not need to share every detail of my story to get people on my “side”. I don’t even pray for God to serve justice in my favor, but rather for the truth to be revealed.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t absolutely suck that I have been hit with the repercussions in the process. I have not spoken perfect words. I have not been a perfect example of honoring others the way I am commanded to. However, I have been wrongly caught in the crossfires due to pure acts of obedience. I have tried my best to protect my family and my own sister. Even my own parents. I have exuded more forgiveness than most would see fit.
So it begs the question, if I can look at my own daughter who lays in my arms, and know that I would do everything to put her abuser behind bars, to keep her from ever experiencing any single pain I have ever experienced from a lack of protection, empathy or understanding, why am I not enough for own parents to do the same? Why is my daughter not enough for them to do the same. Why is their so-called “love” for me not enough to overpower their pride and immaturity? It is just as transactional as I have determined it to be, or is it authentic? I cannot look at what I have seen in the last two months and believe they have even and ounce of love in them for me. I am shattered. My heart is broken. I have been blamed and shamed for things beyond my control. I have been made the black sheep – lies spread to people who have no business being involved. All for the simple act of obedience.
I wake up crying. I walk into work crying. I drive in my car crying. I sit in church crying. Begging God to make it make sense. Why did this have to happen. Why now. Why me. Why my family. Why my poor daughter and husband? I don’t understand. My heart has broken over and over and over again. With every nasty manipulative text message. With every act of trying to gain control and isolate me. What is so worthy of protection that it is worth the cost of losing your eldest daughter and her family forever?
I am currently in a state of grieving. I will likely never get my wedding dress back to have for my little girl to wear one day. My relationships with family are forever changed because of lies. My little girl will have fewer people to celebrate her birthdays or Christmases with her. I will never get back the opportunity to stand by my sister’s side on her wedding day as it was stolen from me. I am currently wrestling with this. I am asking God a lot of questions and trying to find even the smallest part of me that wants to trust Him. I have seen Him heal. I have seen Him move mountains that seemed impossible to shake. I have seen Him provide when it never made sense. But to be entirely truthful, I am still working toward complete surrender and grieving through this pain. I don’t know what our future holds. But, I do know the power my God holds and I know that He holds me.
The Grace-filled Home 