Hi friends, its been a long time since I’ve shared my heart on here. If you are reading this, thank you for taking the time to do so. Since I last shared, I have endured 9 months of pregnancy, an unrelenting C-section labor (which I can share more on if you truly want to know) and now have a beautiful almost 8 month old baby girl. Being a mom has absolutely rocked my world. It is the best thing that I could have ever imagined it to be. In the last 2 years, my husband and I have grown and endured so much… including moving cities, me switching jobs.. twice, and preparing for our future while tackling our present battles.
Life has a way of somehow flying by even though the days seem so long…. and if I’m honest.. lonely. Some day I will share the details of my prenatal experience and pregnancy, but for now let’s just talk about the present.
I occasionally share my thoughts to my personal instagram. However, I do recognize that most people don’t care about the “nitty gritty”. They actually want the highlight reels and baby picture spam. So since I have created this space to share, why not use it?
Some important context to have is that pregnancy was really hard for me – mostly mentally. However, postpartum has been the most beautiful experience in comparison. I have heard it said that the women who have an easy pregnancy have a harder time postpartum and vice versa. In my case, it was the latter. I had an unexpected c-section after only preparing for an unmedicated birth…. talk about a hard pill to swallow. I’ve also heard that C-section recoveries are the absolute worst. Thankfully though, mine was absolutely incredible. I did a ton of walking in the first few days and even weeks following my surgery and labor. I truly think it is what allowed for such a wonderful recovery. My scar is definitely a scar but its worthy of appreciation. I lost almost all of the baby weight in 2 weeks and by 8 weeks postpartum, I looked like I never had a baby. I was in baby bliss. Being a mom is everything I have ever wanted and more.
So then why did I title this post “The lonely road to healing”? Well… there are parts outside of my daughter that have truly impacted me so much deeper than I expected. Those first few months were perfect. Church as a family every Sunday. Staying home and cuddling a newborn every day. Lots of adventures and trips as a new family of three. However, when reality settled in as we got closer to going back to work, anxiety and fear started to take over. Leaving our sweet girl for the first time to go to work at 2 months postpartum absolutely destroyed me. I cried for hours (heck even weeks) before. It was the closest thing I’ve ever felt to my heart actually breaking. I had to leave this tiny little baby who depends on me for life for 8 hours 2 days in a row. It was terrifying. What if she felt abandoned or scared? That entire experience came and went. We made it through.
Then around 4 months postpartum, my milk supply dipped. I started losing my hair and stressing about how I was going to feed my baby. Formula in the united states is packed full of harmful ingredients that I knew in my heart couldn’t compare to the liquid gold my body produced specifically for her little body and it’s needs. I again was facing something that felt impossible. I had multiple breakdowns a week over not being able to keep up with pumping and nursing no matter how badly I tried. It was a nightmare. Why was my body failing us? Our solution became combo feeding. It worked. We found a mostly healthy formula that kept our girl fed and mom stress free.
Then, because I wasn’t breastfeeding as much, I started to pack on the pounds. I don’t have a single stretch mark from pregnancy. I was so blessed to be able to lose weight immediately and have a wonderful recovery. Yet right before bikini season (not that I’d necessarily wear one anyway) I suddenly couldn’t fit in any of my clothes. All of my jeans became much too tight. My hips felt massive.
In all of this, I felt and have continued to feel so lonely. I really have been so blessed to have such a great recovery. I have been so blessed to not struggle with not connecting with my baby (like I feared that I would). However, in the midst of those truths, I also have felt alone. Many people promised to show up, who in fact, never did. I have struggled more with body image now than ever in my life. I struggle with my faith and learning how to do everything all at once. At this stage in my life it feels like everything has to be a priority. I am dying to stay home and yet still am required to work for now. I struggle to have any sense of consistency or community. The time I do have to get things done is often spent stressing and being much too overstimulated to think straight. However, when I do go out and enjoy coffee dates or trips to the zoo, I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt when I get home because I didn’t accomplish anything.
Its feels like I’m in a season of life where I’m just stuck. The Bible has been hard to open, but I know what it says. God first, then my husband, then children and then everything else. But… if I’m being honest, it doesn’t feel like that’s the right order right now. It doesn’t seem plausible. Everything feels like it needs to be the top priority but obviously not everything can be.
As I’ve said in previous posts, I won’t pretend to always have a solution for you at the end of this. Sometimes, the reality is that life is just hard. We go through seasons of loneliness and trying to make sense of the things around us. If I have learned anything though, it’s that habits do matter. So in light of that fact, I have made a small list of things that I am trying to do habitually to make a difference in my everyday life.
- Make dates with my husband a priority weekly (or at least bi-weekly)
- Spend intentional and uninterrupted time playing, or resting with our daughter
- Accomplish one house task a day (dishes, laundry, sweeping, picking up etc)
- Taking 30 minutes out of my day to work out 3-4 days a week.
- Spend time reading a book at night instead of scrolling on my phone.
- Choose the gratitude attitude instead of only ever complaining.
- Pray with our daughter every night before bed (either myself or my husband do this depending on who is home with her for bedtime).
- Give myself permission to not be perfect at everything.
I hope that if you have read this far, you feel seen as well. Sometimes the road to healing can be very lonely. It can also feel like God is very quiet and distant. One step at a time, we will make it through. Thank you so much for being here. Drop some of your daily habit goals in the comments below!
The Grace-filled Home 