Emotions and the Heart

Do you ever feel like somehow your emotions get so built up over time that you’re anxiously anticipating an explosion of emotions?

I am right there with you. Over the last three weeks, I’ve been studying my emotions through the lens of the Bible with a daily devotional called “Emotions and the Heart”. It has opened my eyes to all there is concerning our emotions and how to control them. But for some reason I am still very easily overstimulated and overwhelmed with stress.

I know the source. I won’t be so ignorant as to pretend I don’t. Spiritual battles come in all forms and do not reserve time slots in a calendar. As we move closer and closer to God, Satan pulls and pries harder and harder to get into our heads.

In 2 weeks, my husband has a very serious surgery. As a still newly married woman, I am beyond fearful of all the possible outcomes. This surgery has been delayed and long-awaited, and this little voice in my head says that its been delayed because its God giving me more time with him. The fear of losing the one person you love most in the entire world is crippling. And let me tell you, Satan is using that to his advantage. I’ve talked with my husband about it. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve consulted with close friends. And every time someone asks how they can be praying for me, my answer is always that my husband would make it through his surgery safely and that his doctor would have steady hands and wisdom.

Fear is a nasty emotion. It feels so intentional. Like everything in the world that could possibly pertain to our situation is sitting there screaming in my face to be heard. I read my Bible and take notice of the verses that talk about the sorrow of widows, just praying I won’t have to experience that feeling. I read about grief and pray that this isn’t God preparing my heart for an aftermath that I quite honestly don’t know if I could live through. Fear has taken over my heart so heavily that I spend multiple nights a week crying myself to sleep and making myself physically sick. I hang on every word my husband says. I study his face and voice and his features in ways I never have before. It almost feels like a movie. I’m counting the little freckles that sit under his eyes. I’m studying the detail of his tattoos in case I never get to see them again.

We try to distract ourselves with talks of our future plans: how much longer until we buy a house, when we want to start trying for babies, where we plan to travel first when he’s healed. It all feels so fake and pointless though. It feels like a false hope to prepare for something that may never come.

These emotions are overwhelming in a way I’ve never felt before… all funded by fear. I think back to so many times when my emotions felt uncontrollable and I see how I could have truthfully controlled them better even though they felt so big and lonely at the time. This though, feels entirely different. It feels like something I truly have no control over or say in. My heart hurts and nothing has even happened yet. The Bible tells us the heart is the most deceitful of all. I know this and yet I still listen to all of its little lies. Satan is using little whispers of words that are even scriptural to fuel my fear. He uses the world around me and my lack of patience to break me down to what feels like bare bones.

I don’t share all of this with you because I have some profound answer to all of life’s problems. I mean… I do, it’s Jesus. But that fact alone doesn’t take away my fear and crippling anxiety. Reading my Bible and praying every day doesn’t make it instantly disappear. Although, some days it helps, I want to be completely transparent through this process and season of my life. There are many things that have been weighing on my heart that probably wouldn’t affect me so much if I didn’t have this insane fear right now. I feel like a ticking bomb ready to explode at any moment. And I already have at least once a week for the last month. Emotions are heavy. They were designed to be heavy but with good intention and use. Our emotions were never designed to control us.

As I continue to learn to navigate this, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for prayers. Thank you for community. Thank you for love and kindness and encouragement. Thank you for checking in. And thank you for taking the time out of your day to hear a friend express her hearts deepest and most raw feelings.