Are you ready? Today I was scrolling through my phone deleting old pictures and videos when I came across two very different videos. The first was dated February 22, 2019. In the video I sat there and expressed my gratitude over and over. I was clearly very content and happy in life even though I knew I was making some very bad decisions. The second video was dated April 25, 2019. In this one, my face was puffy and red. I couldn’t stop crying. That second video broke my heart. I sat there crying in my parked car, and at one point I spoke the words, ” I gave every single thing I had in me. My words, my time, my money, my love and my body…. and none of it is enough for you to want me.”
Just hearing the pain I was going through reminds me of how crucial it is to solidify your identity in Christ. My heart breaks for the girl who’s crying in her room because she is now tied to someone else for life. It is absolutely crushing. It hurts. It made me ashamed and honestly made me want to cease to exist altogether. At that time in my life, I was so low, I didn’t know how it was ever possible for me to make a comeback. It took me 2 months to make decisions that I will regret for the rest of my life.
I wish I could tell you I walked away with dignity. But I didn’t. I spent a long time trying to destroy this attachment I had. I didn’t know how and it led to me making the same mistake with the same person over and over until it wasn’t a mistake. It was a decision I was CHOOSING to make. It was a lifestyle I was choosing to live. Hoping that somehow eyes would be opened and suddenly I’d be loved. Eyes were opened…. but they were mine. After a long year of making the worst and most horribly humiliating decisions, I stopped. I gave up.
That’s when I fell in love… with God. I felt more than unworthy. I was unworthy. But God picked me up. He held me. I started reading my Bible daily and digging deep into it. I read Christian self help books. I listened to my favorite podcast by Sadie Robertson Huff (still my favorite podcast). I started to apply the knowledge I was learning. I started making better decisions. I started leading kids to know Jesus. And it took just as long to “undo” and heal from the damage as it did to do the damage. Then on February 22, 2021, I met someone new on a Christian dating app. He took me on a date 3 days later. He made it abundantly clear that he just wanted to be “best friends” first. So we were for 2 months. We went to church together weekly. We went on all kinds of trips. We watched movies, rode roller blades, painted and made dinner together almost every night. We prayed together. And we talked about faith and God A LOT. Then on April 21, 2021, he asked me to be his girlfriend. It took 2 months to make life altering decisions in the past and 2 years later, it took 2 months to build up a Godly relationship. That was over a year and a half ago. That amazing man is now my husband.
Three and a half years ago I never could have imagined that I would be living this life. I couldn’t picture life outside of the box of sadness and bad decisions I felt locked in. I never imagined that I’d marry my best friend in the entire world. I never imagined I’d now find my identity in Christ first. And if you are in the same place I was, know that unlike the silly and manipulative people of this world, God’s love is real and 100% unconditional. Its pure and warm and completely untouchable. Living in sin and trying to justify it inevitably leads to unnecessary heartbreak and hard consequences. I speak from experience.
Hear my heart when I say, there is SO MUCH JOY in following Jesus. From afar it looks boring and strict. But its the exact opposite. Its fun and passionate and saves from a lifetime of heartbreak. There is more for you. There is joy awaiting you. Not only that, following Jesus HEALS. You are loved. You are wanted. You are welcome here.
The Grace-filled Home 